I was wavering over the fear of writing for my grandmothers funeral. I didn’t even know where to begin and feelings of ‘not good enough’ were coming into my head. How do you put into words what a single person (or couple, my grandfather included) has done for you?
This is what I came up with…
Dearest Nan, where to start? It’s so very hard to capture the profound impact you had on everyones lives with only a few words; but I’ll try.
Taking me in with Pop at the age of 6 when you were 64 was no easy feat. I have always been so deeply thankful for you and Pop’s constant support, love and encouragement throughout the most important years of my life.
I appreciate the active role you took during my schooling - being involved in tuck shop, musical performances, awards nights and school dances. I will never forget Pop being a bouncer with gigantic headphones at one of the doors - all my friends used to race up to him and he’d nod and grin having no idea what they were actually saying but he appreciated the attention.
My fondest memories of you and Pop will always be at the green laminate oval shaped breakfast table with our handmade napkins tucked under our chins, laughing at the Vicar of Dibley and holidays at Burleigh heads.
School friends and people I have spoken to in the last week have said how much of an impact you made in their lives. You welcomed two families, having newly immigrated to Australia, being their first friends, inviting them to your personal events and introducing them to community and school functions to make them feel included. I’ve received messages about how incredible, proud, refined, regal, remarkable, beautiful and warm person you were. You weren’t just Nan to our family, but Nan to my friends, “the highlight of our childhood” as a few close friends have said.
You have been such a huge influence and impact in everyones lives. I wanted to share some values you not only taught me, but shared with others.
Courage - one close to my heart. You believed in the strength to power on. This reminds me of my first job at Wendy’s, Stafford at the age of 14, having the courage to walk out of the toilet cubicle and hold my head high, trusting that I won’t stuff up the ice cream scoop that day.
Perseverance - You were an advocate for perseverance and hard work. Forcing me to get up at 4am and driving me to my second job at the bakery rain, hail or shine.
Connection & Compassion - making new friends feel welcome as mentioned earlier - always including near strangers and being empathetic to their needs. Often inviting people around for dinner to a Shirley home cooked meal.
Creativity; You expressed yourself through art, sewing and your enjoyment of music which made the house a warm, safe and enjoyable place to live.
Vision: Think big - look forward - always be optimistic. Only through reaching far forward, will we move anywhere. I once asked you, “If you could think back to one moment, what would it be?” Your response was, I always look ahead. I was always amazed how nothing seemed to worry you, Nan.
There are many more such as the importance of gratitude, personal growth, exploring the world and the wealth of education but we haven’t got all afternoon.
All these values have carried me through until today. I will continue to pass on your values to keep your legacy alive.
An adapted poem I found for you;
You fed me well, you made me strong.
You taught me to know right from wrong.
You made me feel that I belong.
You showed me the value of a song.
You used the words you thought might heal.
You convinced me it was no big deal.
Today and tomorrow, my whole life through,
I will always love and cherish you.
On reflection, and after all the work we did together on the Memoir book, I wish I’d written and read this to her whilst she was alive. Even if it had been ‘morbid’ to read to her, I think she’d appreciate it. A part of me also wanted to reiterate to her how much I appreciated all she’d taught me. It’s funny, when our loved ones are in the same room as you, somehow you still don’t have the courage to share words like these.
There are questions in Memoirs that are about death and wishes. If you want to read more about sharing stories whilst people are alive, refer to my article about, ‘Write your loved ones’ ‘lauda vivus.’ My Nan and I did discuss these items when we were putting the original Memoir book together, however I never thought to write what I’d say about her at her funeral. Future additions I write will include this so you all can have a reminder to do this.
So my advice for writing words like these, from my experience and what I’ve read in the past, would be this:
1. Be personal and conversational, remember it’s an appreciation of ones life and their impact during their lifetime to others.
2. Start with a story about the person. Listeners will come alive through specific stories or ones relatable to the person.
3. Mention advice passed down — values, sayings and anecdotes that capture the person.
4. How to close? Easy to choose a quote or poem that resonates with your relationship to them and how much they mean to you.
Best wishes x